Myself
05.30.05 (11:47 pm) [edit]It's been a while since I've written. And I am going to do something I rarely do . . . write for myself. Usually I write with an audience in mind, giving them something entertaining and not too personal. But today I just want to be myself and blunt. Usually when I do that I write as though I am talking to God, because I feel in some ways that I am an extension of Him. Not in a weird pantheistic way, but in a "He's my best friend" kind of way. So here goes . . .
God, I am so frustrated with myself. I am such a stubborn person. I say I like change, but in reality I only like small changes. I like going to new restaurants, stuff like that. I don't like big changes because they involve risk. And I hate risk - like I hate failure. My self-worth seems so tied up in whether or not I succeed that when I make mistakes I have felt (more in the past then right now) extreme feelings of worthlessness. I remember in high school when I made mistakes I would yell at myself in the mirror when I got home from school. I would berate myself for "being stupid" or "saying stupid stuff." That is so unhealthy! Gosh! Who does that!
I remember when I was annorexic (yeah, news flash to my family - I struggled with it for a few years) and I felt like the only way I could have control over my life was to control what I ate every second of every day. And I remember when you asked me God, to lay down the "control that food has over your life." I feel like I laid it down - so why do I still struggle with it?!? I still feel on days that I want to never eat again, then on other days I overeat and I don't even know why!
I don't know. I have started to understand that I am a legalist and I am really tough on myself. Not so tough on other people, I try to exhort them and love them, but is it really love if I can't even love myself? I know I have come a long way in the last five years. Just looking back at where I was emotionally and spiritually as a senior in high school amazes me. In some ways it seemed my faith was stronger and maybe it was, but now I am more real about who I am and life in general.
Why am I so afraid to live? I am afraid to be myself. Today I was thinking about it and I pretty much second guess everything I do - especially with guys. I am deathly afraid to be friends with a guy. I have guy friends, but I keep them at a distance under the ruse that I don't want to lead them on. But in reality, I am just unbelieveably afraid of ever falling in love again. Or being friends with a guy at all. I am afraid of rejection. When I am around most people, I clam up and just let them talk because I don't feel comfortable. There are few people that I feel I can be open with or goofy around. I MISS that!!!!! I miss being a stupid girl and acting stupid for the fun of it!!!!!!! I'm not 50 years old!!!!!!
Geesh. Well, that feels better. Thank you God for listening. And thank you for always being faithful, no matter what the circumstances.
Random thoughts
05.24.05 (7:27 pm) [edit]I need to be washing my dishes right now, but writing out my thoughts seems like more fun. So here goes . . .
Life has taken some interesting turns lately. Last night I made some big personal decisions and I really felt God's peace. For the last few years I have felt myself drifting away from the woman I was. I feel that I was a more effective Christian, more loving daughter, better friend and all-around better person a few years ago. Now, I am starting to remember who I am again. And who I want to be. Now I just need to look forward and keep making good decisions even if I get laughed or booed off the stage. Because we will all leave this earth one day and we need to decide what kind of legacy we will leave behind.
Old Friends
05.22.05 (12:58 am) [edit]I just stumbled across a friend from high school/Michigan on MySpace. It was so shocking because I haven't heard from him or of him for years. He was someone I prayed for A LOT because his life was just totally messed up for a long time and he honestly had a lot of problems. He was an off-again, on-again Christian because of all this. He actually was going to stay with my family for awhile when he was homeless. But things didn't work out. Well, I randomly found his profile and I am SO HAPPY! It sounds like he is living for Christ again, found a really cool girlfriend who is a Christian and is on the right track.
Wow, it is sooooo cool to see God move in people's lives!!!! I am really, really excited and happy for Him and for God's purpose. Thank you Jesus for always being in control and knowing whats going on even when we are seriously clueless.
Joining the work force again
05.19.05 (11:07 am) [edit]I am so excited. I am now the proud employee of Michael's. It is an arts and crafts store. I get to work framing paintings and pictures, along with cashiering. I am psyched! Yay!
It will just be a summer job . . . when I met with the manager, I made sure he understood that I could only work full-time during the summer. I didn't want to just quit at the end of the summer and be a jerk.
So, yeah, that's the news. Plus, I went to the Twins game last night with my old roommate from last semester. That was fun - we played against Toronto, so we got to see Corey Koskie - Yay! He is great. Funny thing is, he has the highest batting average and the most home runs this season on his team, but really, his average isn't that great. I guess he's getting pretty old - like 32 or 35. And thats pretty old for a regular player!
Zombies?
05.15.05 (11:03 am) [edit]This is the weirdest, creepiest article I have ever seen! Check it out at
http://65.127.124.62/south_as...
I had to share it because its from the BBC, which I personally believe is one of the more reliable news sources. Oh, to be a Brit. and write for the BBC!!!
My Space
05.14.05 (12:05 pm) [edit]So I went to My Space to build a profile - a friend needed me to post on there so she could have a friend to link to. It's a long story :) So we took funny pics and posted them on my profile. If you look at www.myspace.com and search for me you will find me.
Five points to anyone who can tell me what color shirt/wrap I am wearing in the pics.
So the sun kind of emerged today, but then poked its little head back into hiding. I miss you sun! Come back to tickle me with your glorious rays!
Multiple Personalities
05.10.05 (12:17 am) [edit]`I found out that of all the personality types I am an "Introverted Intuitive Feeling Judging" type. I took a test with a friend last night and found as I read the description it certainly sounded like me! And after I read it, I came to understand two important things about myself.
1. INFJ's are pretty uncommon (or rare, if you will). So this means I am not easily understood. (At least this is what the research indicates.)
2. Some of my patterns of behavior are normal for my personality type. For example, most INFJ's seem to retreat from groups of people at odd or inconsistent intervals. I thought this was a personality disorder on my part (I am not kidding) but according to the research, it is fairly normal. I guess sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to be alone, but now I realize I shouldn't feel guilty.
(excerpt) ". . . at intervals INFJs will suddenly withdraw into themselves, sometimes shutting out even their intimates. This apparent paradox is a necessary escape valve for them, providing both time to rebuild their depleted resources and a filter to prevent the emotional overload to which they are so susceptible . . ."
I encourage you to do the test. Its really interesting. Plus it helped me understand myself better.
Here is one test -
http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp" title="http://www.humanmetrics.com/cgi-win/JTypes2.asp" target="_blank"http://www.humanmetrics.com/c...
Here is a 4-question personality test ---
http://haleonline.com/psychtest/index.php" title="http://haleonline.com/psychtest/index.php" target="_blank"http://haleonline.com/psychte...
Another test --
http://www.personalitypage.com/home.html" title="http://www.personalitypage.com/home.html" target="_blank"http://www.personalitypage.co...
Further explanation of personality types--
http://www.typelogic.com/" title="http://www.typelogic.com/" target="_blank"http://www.typelogic.com/
Looking to the stars
05.08.05 (12:35 pm) [edit]I decorated my new room today and yesterday - I have to say, it rocks. I'm not trying to be prideful or dumb, but I invite you to come look at it! I posted three Van Gogh paintings on my walls to incoporate a "blue" theme into my room. I put up "Starry Night," "Yellow Wheat and Cypresses" and "Cafe' Terrace at Night." They are so beautiful and they make me so happy!
Other blue things I have that make me happy: a beautiful blue and silver blanket my Aunt Sandy bought me for at Christmas two years ago . . . blue jewelry box . . . blue stars I cut out . . . hmm, maybe I need to find more blue things.
RE-design
05.04.05 (5:51 pm) [edit]I'm updating and changing my weblog over the next few days. Hang onto your pants because there are a few days when it may look ugly! But in the end, its beauty will be incomparable.
Krunch time
05.02.05 (8:01 am) [edit]Hmm, I found out last week that theoretically I could fail all my classes and still get the same amount of financial aid next semester. Well, when I already didn't want to study --
that certainly doesn't motivate me to study!!!
But I am studying anyways.
(Insert transitional phrase I can't think of right now :)) I have struggled with what to post on here lately - most of the time I post something meaningful I have learned, or an update on my life or fun facts. But I am a really private person and the things that have gone on in my life in the last few months have been very private. I do appreciate the support my friends and family have offered. It has meant a great deal.
I know it is difficult to have a friend who is heartbroken or grieving - it is difficult to know what to say or do. The philosophy I have tried to live by is just to recognize someone's pain, affirm their feelings and worth then offer to share their burden. It is folly to try to fix the problem or offer trite advice.
Anyways, thanks again for prayer and support - cheers to exams being over!