Myself

Myself

05.30.05 (11:47 pm)   [edit]
It's been a while since I've written. And I am going to do something I rarely do . . . write for myself. Usually I write with an audience in mind, giving them something entertaining and not too personal. But today I just want to be myself and blunt. Usually when I do that I write as though I am talking to God, because I feel in some ways that I am an extension of Him. Not in a weird pantheistic way, but in a "He's my best friend" kind of way. So here goes . . .

God, I am so frustrated with myself. I am such a stubborn person. I say I like change, but in reality I only like small changes. I like going to new restaurants, stuff like that. I don't like big changes because they involve risk. And I hate risk - like I hate failure. My self-worth seems so tied up in whether or not I succeed that when I make mistakes I have felt (more in the past then right now) extreme feelings of worthlessness. I remember in high school when I made mistakes I would yell at myself in the mirror when I got home from school. I would berate myself for "being stupid" or "saying stupid stuff." That is so unhealthy! Gosh! Who does that!

I remember when I was annorexic (yeah, news flash to my family - I struggled with it for a few years) and I felt like the only way I could have control over my life was to control what I ate every second of every day. And I remember when you asked me God, to lay down the "control that food has over your life." I feel like I laid it down - so why do I still struggle with it?!? I still feel on days that I want to never eat again, then on other days I overeat and I don't even know why!

I don't know. I have started to understand that I am a legalist and I am really tough on myself. Not so tough on other people, I try to exhort them and love them, but is it really love if I can't even love myself? I know I have come a long way in the last five years. Just looking back at where I was emotionally and spiritually as a senior in high school amazes me. In some ways it seemed my faith was stronger and maybe it was, but now I am more real about who I am and life in general.

Why am I so afraid to live? I am afraid to be myself. Today I was thinking about it and I pretty much second guess everything I do - especially with guys. I am deathly afraid to be friends with a guy. I have guy friends, but I keep them at a distance under the ruse that I don't want to lead them on. But in reality, I am just unbelieveably afraid of ever falling in love again. Or being friends with a guy at all. I am afraid of rejection. When I am around most people, I clam up and just let them talk because I don't feel comfortable. There are few people that I feel I can be open with or goofy around. I MISS that!!!!! I miss being a stupid girl and acting stupid for the fun of it!!!!!!! I'm not 50 years old!!!!!!

Geesh. Well, that feels better. Thank you God for listening. And thank you for always being faithful, no matter what the circumstances.